It’s been a couple months now since I last got to compete on stage and it still feels weird.
Tournaments have gone by, and I have been trying to keep up with them like I otherwise would, but it doesn’t hit the same as being there.
I miss the energy,
I miss the fans,
I miss the competition.
And you might think, who is this article for? What’s the purpose?
It is for myself, and for the fans.
Most people who know me, know about the underdog run in Stockholm or the tournaments I won with G2.
But this is about the parts of my story I haven’t talked about before in other interviews.
These are my reflections and my completely biased thoughts and learnings from the last couple of years. Why I am as I am, and the things I’m looking to improve on.
—
Being home for a bit has been nice. Spending time with my mom and sister is something I’ve missed, as I rarely have had the chance to do so.
And yet, it is not like I can just fully turn my brain off from competition.
I have always been competitive, my whole family has always been competitive. So I guess that feeling is just natural to have for me.
Growing up, my sister and I would compete about everything — racing to the door, eating fastest, or fiercely playing board games.
I remember for some reason being a big Zidane fan, and my sister, a fan of Beckham, resulting in the whole family having to watch their games and we would argue in regards to who was a fan of the better player.
A lot of my time growing up was spent on playing sports, Something I’ve realized recently, is that those experiences already started
forming who I have been as a competitor ever since back then.
Being a goalkeeper, I was introduced early on to a sense of responsibility, it was
never something a coach told me about. It sort of just happened naturally as I really wanted to win.
And for a while, even though I was starting to develop this sense of responsibility, it was still just about having fun playing.
I must have probably been around 12 years old when that started to change. Especially in handball. I remember how people would start not getting the same amount of playtime and how the tone got much harsher and direct in terms of feedback.
A tendency I still have today with CS, as I believe that being direct often is the most effective way to improve. In some ways being a goalkeeper also is not that different from being an IGL, at least when it comes to how you can act at times.
Already back then I would be instructing the players around me. Which in the heat of the moment would lead to being very direct to my teammates.
For years this was how things were. Direct and with full focus on winning.
Counter-Strike wasn’t something I planned to pursue professionally. My first LAN in 2010 was just to play with friends I knew from school and playing online.
But something about that experience just bit me.
I remember we were up 8-1 against the third best team in Denmark at the time, on our way to what felt like a big upset, and as people started gathering behind us to watch, I could feel the adrenaline and the excitement of people watching me play in a way that was so different from when I was playing football or handball.
We ended up losing that game, but I knew from that one moment that I had to play more.
It is funny to think about how different I played back then, compared to now. When I first started I would just run around the server and try to get as many frags as I possibly could. I didn’t think at all about the bigger pictures or tactics whatsoever.
But as I started playing in the Danish scene, going around different free agent projects and teams while I was getting used to this whole thing, I started falling into a more supportive role, and further down the road, the IGL role.
This wasn’t intentional though. I would join a team and someone had to fulfill those roles, and as no one else did, I ended up doing it out of necessity.
It was probably when I first joined Copenhagen Flames and after Sycrone left, that I first started playing as an IGL and learning what it meant to be a leader in CS.
Suddenly this extra responsibility I was used to from when I was younger, playing sports, started to re-appear. But it wasn’t a bad thing. The new challenge was interesting, having to think up strategies and execute them in the game with the team.
Looking back, I am grateful for the people I had around me, who supported me in learning the role, but also the connections I had with people, which made it a lot easier to express what was on my mind.
For about 3 years, I bounced between different teams.
Flames to AGF, back to Flames, sold to x6tence, sold again to Mad Lions and finally back to Flames for a third and final time. I know, it's a bit confusing.
Despite the many changes though, I never really felt pressured when implementing my playstyle. But I always had someone around me that I had already worked with back then, like roeJ, Refrezh or Vorborg. Someone that already knew me, and could help implement my philosophies inside and outside the server.
It wasn’t until my third time in Flames that things really underwent a big change, and things just started to click.
The later half of 2021 was a big stepping stone for me as a player.
I played in IEM Fall 2021 and just two weeks later I was going flawless in the challengers stage of the Stockholm Major.
I was on a complete high at this time emotionally, having just competed against the best of the best. It was a feeling that was hard to shake off when the major ended.
And both myself and the rest of the team struggled to get out of that first moment of glory. We had just played the most important tournament in the game and now we had to go back to grinding online against T2-T3 teams.
No longer were we the underdogs in our matches like we had been used to. We were the favorites in many games and we started to lose. A lot.
We were getting more and more demotivated, having to prove ourselves again.
Issues when it came to performance weren’t getting fixed as fast, and we started getting lazy even with the easy stuff like showing up on time.
I remember being so frustrated. We had just played against some of the best teams in the world and now we were losing to whoever, making stupid mistakes and not putting in the effort to get back to form.
When it comes to competing, I want to hold myself and others accountable. My expectation is that people will put in the hours necessary to achieve something and stick to their word.
Like, if the team agrees on an issue, and comes up with a solution, and the attempt at that solution is then just thrown away or ignored, I get so annoyed.
It is not that the problem is not being solved, because it is not a guarantee that the first solution is going to work, but if there is zero effort, then what is the point?
I believe that you can comment on issues like that nicely a couple of times, but if it continues, then you can use a rougher tone to get through to people. Otherwise how is it going to change?
But I'll also complement my team when I see that effort, like after Stockholm, even though we lost I was so proud of the team.
All of this culminated at IEM Katowice 2022. I remember an “empty the backpack”-meeting. A type of meeting we would have to speak whatever was on our minds.
No improvement, or actually what felt like us getting worse, had just come to a boiling point for me. I didn’t feel that people were putting in any effort, and it got to the point where it annoyed me so much that I was becoming a pain to play with as well.
In this meeting I was so frustrated with our situation that I said something along the lines of: “I am resetting myself now, you got 14 days to start showing some effort. If you don’t, either you get kicked or I will kick myself”.
It was harsh, but in my mind it was completely justifiable. I’d much rather tell people directly if I feel like things are bad, instead of running to management behind peoples back. It gives everyone a chance to actually improve, instead of things reaching a point of no return.
Another important piece of context is also the team culture we had. We knew each other very well, and have had many tough conversations in the past - including this one about effort. We respected each other, and I’m also confident the team knew this outburst didn’t come out of me not liking them, or wanting to kick them - it came from wanting to be a great fucking team, together.
We didn’t go on to play that well at IEM Katowice, but the conversation seemed to work, and our performance started improving again, culminating in our second major, Antwerp 2022.
We won our RMR group, fully skipping the challengers stage this time around and going straight to the legends stage. Not gonna lie, it also felt great that we did so by beating NIP who had ended our run back in Stockholm.
The start of the tournament was rough mentally, as we were told just days prior that roeJ and nicoodoz had signed with Fnatic, and this would be the last tournament we had together.
It sucked, I felt lost and as if my career was being completely derailed. I didn’t believe I would get to play on a team capable of being top 10 in the world again.
Although the Antwerp major had its challenges, as it was our last dance, it was a great feeling that we were able to finally get a stage game together in a big arena.
After the major was when things for the second time in my career took a drastic turn. The team I had grown so fond of split up and I went to G2 Esports.
Joining G2 was somewhat of a dream come true. I was given the opportunity to join one of the top teams, with one of the biggest organizations and fanbases behind it.
But I also remember the pressure I felt immediately when I got signed.
Although management in G2 assured me that there was no pressure on performing right away, I still felt it. G2 is just a team and organization that has to win trophies, just participating is not good enough. I was getting some of the best players in the world around me, so I felt like we had to do well straight out the gate.
And while management did tell me they would be patient, I knew Aleksib before me was benched after just 6 months on the team, and sometimes actions speak louder than words. I didn’t want that to be my faith.
On top of that, there are of course all the fans, experts and other people in the scene, whose trust I had to earn.
Looking back, I’ve learned so much from my time in G2. And there are definitely several things I will do differently in the next team I join.
Taking the jump from Flames to G2, I came in having so much higher expectations of my teammates for no good reason. It made me skip steps, and I just assumed that we saw eye to eye on several things within the game.
And for the first time I didn’t have someone to help me implement my ideas like in the past, making it so we didn’t start off on the right foot.
If I had the opportunity to do it over again, I would have started much slower.
I’d make sure the team had time to understand my way of viewing the game, and what I require from my teammates to perform. I would discuss expectations for results in tournaments way less, and just focus on the team working well together.
In the beginning it was also a tough fit culture wise within the team. My entire career I had played on Danish teams, with most of us growing up with the same style of teaching in school and sports.
Like in Flames we had a very flat structure. I was the captain of the team, providing leadership with Vorborg and roeJ, but the way we built our team was through collaboration and giving responsibility to everyone. We had a ton of team discussions, and made sure everyone was heard in terms of how they wanted to play the game.
The staff when I first joined G2, saw leadership in a different way.
They had full faith in me, and wanted to empower me. But the way they saw it was that the IGL and coaching staff set the direction, and then the rest of the team followed that course. Not that I believe there is anything wrong with this way of working, but it just wasn’t what I was used to.
And going back to my very direct approach to feedback, I have learned that is not always the best method. I had been with the same team for a while in Flames, so it was easier for everyone to take the bold criticism we would give each other. Joining an entirely new team, with an entirely different team culture, I had to adapt.
I used to think that being upset also showed how much you cared. How much you wanted the team to improve. But I know now that it wasn’t always effective. Sometimes you have to deal with things more privately, and sometimes I probably took it too far, and just needed to move on with things for the sake of the team.
Anyways, our first couple of months weren’t great results-wise, we had some middling performances as I was still trying to find my groove with the team.
And it showed, especially in Rio when we lost in the RMR and missed the major. We had such a good start even, with a 16-0 win, and still we managed to miss it.
I remember being so disappointed, especially since I had just been to the last majors with a “smaller” team.
It wasn’t until after Blast Fall Finals that things started to take a turn for the better result wise, but before that’s also when I faced the hardest moment of my career so far.
We had been preparing for the Blast World Final and the night we arrived in Abu Dhabi, I got a call from back home.
My dad died.
I’m still not able to describe how I felt at the time, and honestly I am not really sure I would want to share much about that right now either. All I can say is that it definitely took a toll on me.
I was winning these massive tournaments, and yet, felt like shit, unable to process what had just happened in my personal life.
I didn’t know how to process it, so I buried myself in work during the winter break. In hindsight, it wasn’t wise and hurt me long-term.
After the break, I continued in the same vein, working my ass off and trying to prepare us for the Paris major. However, that tournament went horrible, and we didn’t even make the playoffs.
Following Paris, we went to IEM Dallas as the last tournament before the summer break. At this point, a lot of people theorized that I was kicked at this point, because I looked demotivated and discouraged on stream.
To be blunt, I just really didn’t care about that tournament.
I should have asked G2 for a break after Paris, if not way before that. I recognize now that taking time to recharge could have helped me perform better.
Everything piled up. My dads passing, working too hard over a long period of time, and me completely underestimating how traveling so much would affect my health.
I saw jL say in an interview that maybe the NaVi guys were getting a bit tired of each other, and I get that. Traveling so much together, being stuck in small hotel rooms, not seeing your family - it gets exhausting.
Me not knowing to actually take time to recover only made that worse.
And it is not to say that I don’t like my teammates in G2, I think we had a good bond, but all of these things definitely impacted my mood and my mental health.
I don’t think me playing the last two tournaments before the summer did anyone any favors. But I was honestly scared of being replaced on the team if I asked for a break.
Everywhere I was reading it. Social media, HLTV, experts and such. You might think, “just don’t look at social media”, but it was tough to not be exposed to it. I was even told that G2 was talking to potential replacements.
I don’t blame G2 for that, I am sure they didn’t want any of that to leak, and it’s their team, they can look at changes if they believe that is the correct move for them. But all of this combined with my high expectations for myself, I felt so much pressure.
When summer came along that really made a big difference for me. Straight after the break, I felt a lot more like myself, and that’s also when we got back to winning ways, like when we lifted the trophy at IEM Cologne.
I was still on the team, and tried to approach things differently, taking into account all I had learned throughout my time in G2. Trying to give it my all, as I always did - and with higher spirits.
At the Copenhagen major, my motivation was at an all time high, being on home soil and finally feeling better, even if I hadn’t fully recovered yet mentally.
I feel like we got so close against NaVi, but ultimately just fell short. And shortly after, we all know what happened - I was benched.
My time in G2 was a rollercoaster, but it was a rollercoaster that taught me so much. I know my capabilities and my restrictions as a person way better.
I was exposed to different types of team environments and cultures, and a ton of media attention. All of which I try to use to be better in the future.
I’ve heard a couple of places that I’m toxic, or that I can be a mood killer.
I understand why people could view me like that, or if they hear certain stories about me, that they would come to this conclusion.
I’m not perfect, and constantly evolving and trying to become a better leader.
For the first time in my career I really have had time to truly reflect and get a breather, as I haven’t competed actively for a while.
This time has allowed me to learn to take better care of myself, both physically and mentally, something I never really put much thought into before as I was so hyper-fixated on the game.
It’s been incredibly good for me to get this time to recharge, but now I am also itching to get back to the game that I love.
What is next for me is still being figured out, I am by no means done playing, and if anything, I look forward to performing the best I ever had, having learned to care for other aspects of competing, both for myself and when leading others.
I want to prove once again, to all of you, and to myself, that I belong at the top and am deserving of lifting the biggest trophies.
This was the story of:
Rasmus "HooXi" Pallisgaard Nielsen
